Settle down, children, and I’ll tell you a story.
This hedgehog owns a school. It is a large school.
She looks happy.
But she is not happy. She is not happy because her school has a tiny garden. This is her garden.
She is sad because her garden is shit.
Whenever she looks at her tree, all she sees is failure. The man in charge of the country says there will be zero tolerance for failure. She is afraid.
‘I am special and important,’ she says to herself. ‘My school is special and important. My school should have a bigger garden.’
So the hedgehog invites her friend to tea.
The tea has not arrived yet because the servants have not brought it. The servants are not achieving at optimum levels. If they are not careful they will be sacked.
Luckily the hedgehog’s friend is in charge of schools. She is wearing a blue dress because she likes the colour blue.
The lazy servants have brought the tea at last. However they have only brought one cake. When her friend has gone the hedgehog will speak to them sharply.
‘I’m sad about my garden,’ says the hedgehog.
‘I’m sad about it too,’ says her friend.
‘I walked past the village school last week,’ says the hedgehog. ‘Their garden is very big.’
The village school has lots of trees.
‘Yes,’ says her friend. ‘It is much too big. Also the teachers are pinkos.’
‘They are really taking the piss with that garden,’ says the hedgehog.
‘Luckily,’ says her friend, ‘the school inspector is going to visit them this afternoon.’
This is the school inspector. He likes arithmetic.
The village school has only one chair.
They asked for new chairs from the woman in charge of schools.
She said no.
The inspector calls. It is a sunny day. The children are playing in the garden with their teacher. Their teacher likes pink.
But the inspector is angry. He takes the teacher into a spooky room filled with shadow.
He speaks angrily to the pinko teacher. The children have not yet learnt ‘Dover Beach’ by heart! Their school is failing.
Now the inspector must leave. He has an appointment for tea at the school with only one tree.
The servants have not brought the inspector a cup. They are really in the shit now.
‘The village school is failing,’ says the inspector to the hedgehog’s friend.
‘We must take away their trees,’ says the hedgehog’s friend.
‘Be quiet!’ says the inspector. ‘We must go upstairs.’
‘I don’t think of you that way,’ says the hedgehog’s friend.
‘You are flattering yourself,’ says the inspector. ‘We must go upstairs to talk about the trees or else the pinkos will be angry. The pinkos will say we stole their trees to give to our friend.’
They go upstairs to talk about the trees in secret.
The hedgehog is definitely not listening at the door.
Later that day, the woman in charge of schools sets off in her motorcar.
Her friend goes everywhere with her. He used to be in charge of schools until the pinko teachers said mean things about him. He was very sad about this.
‘Your school has failed,’ says the woman in charge of schools to the pinko teacher. ‘We are taking your trees away.’
Her friend is hiding in this picture. He does not want to be seen by the pinko teacher.
‘What will happen to our school?’ says the pinko teacher.
‘I do not care,’ says the woman in charge of schools.
The children say goodbye to their trees. They belong to the woman in charge of schools now. She will take them to her friend.
‘Here are the trees!’ says the woman to her friend, the hedgehog. ‘They are yours now.’
‘Hurray!’ says the hedgehog.
The school inspector is hiding behind the trees.
He is camera shy.
The hedgehog looks happy. That’s because she is happy.
Very happy.
The End.
Sleep tight, children!
Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons living, dead, or hedgehog, is purely coincidental.
Lynsey White 